The Bear Paw Amendment
by Lionne6
Summary: When the whole gang goes to the movies, Amy buys a LOT of candy, leaving all of her friends to wonder what's she up to now. One-shot, and Penny has the pants.


"Um, Amy?" Penny said, staring at the mounds of candy sitting on the concession counter as her brunette friend ripped open plastic bag after bag, dumping them altogether into one jumbo sized popcorn carton she had coerced one of the cashiers into handing over. "Whatcha doing?"

"Nothing," Amy replied, even as she dumped a huge bag full of gummy worms into the carton. She was wearing a red cardigan, red clogs which Penny had tried fruitlessly to talk her out of buying, and a denim skirt. Her shiny long brown hair was pinned back at her temple with a simple barrette, and she was wearing her usual dark-framed glasses.

"Umhmm, umhmm," Penny murmured, opening her mouth to say something else and then closing it again. The pretty blonde hooked a thumb through the belt loop of the red pants she was borrowing from her boyfriend and wrinkled her forehead, watching with worried eyes as Amy tossed another plastic bag onto her heap of candy wrappers. "Are you sure? You've seemed a little...I mean, the past few days I've noticed you've been…well not odd. Well, maybe more odd than usual...I just–"

"Everything's fine, bestie," Amy retorted stoically, tearing open a large bag of wax lips and adding them to the mix with a jerky twist of her wrist. Her eyes darted across the movie theater lobby towards Sheldon, who had finished paying for his blue Icee and red vines and was making his way in their direction. He was wearing his black Rubix cube tee-shirt over a yellow undershirt and a pair of red pants. Amy trailed her eyes over him briefly and then grit her teeth, reverting her attention to the $50 worth of concession candy she had bought.

Sheldon sauntered over easily, pleased that he had managed to not only get a pizza dinner with all of the toppings he had wanted, but that he had convinced his friends to attend the newest Oz release at a theater with his favorite flavor of Icees, even if Leonard had complained it was a full 20 minutes out of their way. His eyes lit on the carton of candy and mound of plastic bags in front of Amy and Penny, and his expression became perplexed.

"Amy?" He inquired, watching as Amy gathered up all of the trash in both hands and stuffed them haphazardly into the garbage receptacle. He leaned his tall frame forward to look into Amy's full carton of candy and his eyes widened considerably with alarm. "Have you mixed all of that candy together?"

Amy simply picked up the carton and started shaking it vigorously as if she was tossing a salad; staring back at Sheldon with a gaze that Penny found disturbingly hostile. Penny's horoscope had mentioned that she would find her social circle interacting peacefully that day, and she hated it when the horoscopes lied to her. Amy never deviated from her usual choice of snack at the movie theater, and now that Penny was thinking about it, Amy had been uncharacteristically silent through dinner. She'd even refused to eat any of Penny's olives for her, which she usually offered to do so that Penny didn't have to suffer from the odor while she ate.

_I smell funny business,_ Penny thought to herself, her glance darting between Amy and Sheldon. _And it's not just olives. Why didn't my horoscope mention anything about this?_

Amy turned to Penny and said brightly, "Sit next to me?"

"Sure, sure," Penny replied, glancing between Amy Farrah Fowler and the now very bemused looking Sheldon Cooper. He had come to stand right next to Amy's shoulder, and was looming over her, looking more like a giant preying mantis than ever. Penny had barely finished speaking when Amy started to stomp off towards the theater, turning her back on Sheldon quite deliberately. Penny and Sheldon trailed behind, hurrying their steps to keep up with Amy's swift march down the dim hallway.

In the theater, Penny darted around Amy and ducked down the aisle to where Leonard sat waiting, a smile on his face and large tub of popcorn in his lap. Raj sat on his other side, sneakily stealing two large handfuls of popcorn that he added to his own tub. She settled in next to Leonard as Amy and then Sheldon came down the aisle behind her. Penny leaned into his side and whispering quickly in his ear, "Drama alert. Danger, danger."

Leonard's eyes opened wide, and he peeked around Penny to look at Amy and Sheldon, studying the way Amy sat down unceremoniously into her seat and Sheldon sunk down slowly next to her, sweeping a glance up and down her frame as if he had never encountered a specimen quite like her before. He seemed to pause and get tripped up while studying her bright red clogs.

Amy studiously stared straight at the screen and started fishing in her enormous tub of candy with one hand. As she popped a handful of gummy worms, Swedish fish and M&Ms in her mouth all in one gulp, Sheldon gave a small shudder.

"What's happening?" Leonard mouthed to Penny, who only lifted her shoulders a fraction and shook her head.

Sheldon fixed his eyes resolutely on the movie screen, speaking loud enough to be heard down the aisle, "I see you failed to remember where the best acoustics are in the theater, Leonard. We're one row off."

"Sorry Sheldon," Leonard replied, even as he and Penny exchanged another baffled look, "That row was already taken." A pimply teen looked over his shoulder, giving Sheldon a haughty look, tossing his chin as if to say, "S'up." He carelessly looped his arm around the skinny little bottle blonde teen sitting beside him, and she started giggling in a pitch high enough to call dogs to the theater.

Sheldon turned and gave Leonard a dark look, to which his friend could only shrug in response. "You were the one who needed to stop at the gas station when you realized you were out of Purell."

"I haven't put a new one in your new car yet," Sheldon retorted, "I would have had my emergency supply if you hadn't gone and gotten your car stolen by leaving your keys in it!"

"I did not–"

"What did I say about this argument last week?" cut in Bernadette. She leaned forward around Raj and glared down the aisle.

Sheldon and Leonard both shrank back and mumbled boyishly, "it's over," in unison. They shifted uncomfortably, Leonard poking at his popcorn, which seemed mysteriously much less than he thought he had, while Sheldon fiddled with the straw of his Icee.

Penny covered her mouth with her hand, smothering a smile, while Amy popped another huge handful of candy in hers. She started rattling its contents again, mixing it all up with a slightly disturbing amount of zealousness. She sounded like she might be starting her own percussion band. Everyone watched her a moment with furrowed brows, but something in the air kept them all silent.

"So," Howard murmured in his low tone, even as he slid an arm around Bernadette's slim shoulders, "Everyone ready for a trip to the magical land of Oz?"

"Wizards and witches and munchkins – oh my!" Sheldon breathed, apparently relaxing a little more into his seat, his eyes reading the trivia flashing up on the screen.

"James Franco is so hot," Penny breathed happily before catching herself and looking sidelong at Leonard. "I mean, um…he..reminds me of you! If I was ever going to cast you in a movie I would totally–"

Leonard just nibbled on some popcorn and cut in, "Penny, I've got Michelle Williams, Rachel Weisz AND Mila Kunis to keep me happy. Enjoy the Franco all you want."

"Okay," Penny replied, looking at Leonard sidelong and slowly settling in next to him. She frowned, glanced at him again, and then simply reached for some popcorn as she appeared to think that over.

"Did you know, in the original 1939 version, head of production at MGM, Mervyn LeRoy, wanted to cast Shirley Temple as Dorothy?" Sheldon looked sidelong at Amy, who just stared at the screen, chewing on a gummy worm. He plowed on, "Shirley Temple temporarily retired from acting at age 22, and along with a wonderful legacy of films, she also bestowed her name on one of my favorite red beverages, the Shirley Temple, which is made with two parts ginger ale and a splash of grenadine, and garnished with a maraschino cherry. While most maraschino cherries sold in the United States are made from the Rainier, Royal Ann, or Gold variety, the name _maraschino_ refers to the marasca cherry of Croatian origin and the maraschino liqueur made from it, in which marasca cherries were crushed and sweetened. Whole cherries preserved in this liqueur were known as 'maraschino cherries.' They were, at first, produced for and consumed as a delicacy by royalty and the wealthy."

Amy said nothing.

Penny whispered into Leonard's ear, "Is Shirley Temple still alive?"

"She was two minutes ago," Leonard whispered back, "But not anymore. Sheldon's capable of boring total strangers to death even at great distances."

"Poor Shirley," Raj muttered under his breath, shaking his head ruefully as his eyes seemed to well up with shiny tears. "What a way to die. Death by Sheldon."

"Raj?" Bernadette whispered worriedly.

"Hey buddy...where'd you hide the flask?" Howard said, skimming his eyes over Raj to try to see if he could find it. "Maybe you should hand that over."

"It's gone," Raj replied, sniffling once more, "I finished it before we bought our tickets."

The two couples on either side of Raj exchanged glances, as the lights in the theater finally started to dim.

"Drama to the left of me, drama to the right," Leonard sang his paraphrased version of the Stealers Wheels song into Penny's ear, "Here I am – stuck in the middle with you." He slipped his arm around her as he sang, and she happily snuggled into his side, taking another handful of popcorn as she did do.

"One day I'd like to make it out of a movie theater without any crying, vomit, or nose bleeds," Penny whispered back.

"Then you'll have to find a new circle of friends," Leonard replied, and they both smiled slightly before another sniffle from Raj redirected their attention. The previews had started, and up on screen Sandra Bullock was marching down a hallway wearing a business suit and saying something snarky about the foolishness of love.

"Oh Sandra," Raj cried, "Jesse never appreciated you, but you'll find love again–you will! You will!" He suddenly slumped over, buried his head in Bernadette's lap, and began to weep. He clutched the hem of her purple cardigan and brought it to his face, using it to stem the tide of his tears.

Bernadette petted his hair gently, and exchanged a long, knowing look with Howard.

"Yeah, so I'll do the dishes when we get home," Howard said. She continued to look at him as she consoled Raj. "And vacuum. And fold the laundry. And maybe I'll manage to, um, put those pieces of the garbage disposal back together again." Bernadette arched an eyebrow at him, and Howard added, "Tonight."

Bernadette simply kissed his cheek in response and continued to stroke Raj's hair. Howard flexed his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into him more tightly as the previews flickered and changed to run the next up-coming attraction.

On the other end of the aisle, Sheldon started to shift slightly in his seat as if he was uncomfortable. Heaving a huge sigh of exasperation, he reached out his hand towards Amy's side and went to close his fingers. He clutched nothing but air. He groped forward slightly, and his hand found only the velvet covered armrest. Frowning, he glanced downwards and found no small hand there to catch his own. He fidgeted in his seat and then gave his throat a firm clearing. Appearing not to hear him, Amy reached into her carton and pulled out a pair of red waxed lips. She put them between her own and sucked on them slowly.

"AHEMhmmhmm," Sheldon tried again, turning his palm over and extending his fingers towards her.

Amy sucked the lips into her mouth and started to chew on them. The light from the movie screen reflected in her glasses. She went fishing for another piece of candy and continued to ignore Sheldon.

"Amy," Sheldon finally growled, literally wiggling his fingers in her direction.

At hearing her name, Amy glanced down at his hand, and then looked away with disinterest. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"The previews have started," Sheldon replied pedantically, glancing up at the screen just to make sure that was right, and finding it was, looked back at her. "Usually at this point you insist that we hold hands despite the fact that it's an unsanitary, ridiculous, and unnecessary requirement to enjoy a movie."

"Oh," Amy said, suddenly shaking the popcorn carton all around, watching the candy inside mix up and redistribute by weight and size. "That was an experiment. I've finished running my tests and after thoroughly analyzing the data I've decided to discontinue with the practice."

Sheldon blinked, and curled his fingers up tight into a ball.

"Besides," Amy said, finally looking at him with a bright smile, making a point to show him her bucket of candy and its disorganized contents, "You must have noticed that I have my own trash can full of candy here to paw at, so now I don't have to paw in an unsightly manner at YOU." She turned back to the movie screen even as odd, smothered squeaks seemed to escape from Penny and Bernadette's direction. Leonard clasped Penny in a death grip, and Howard clapped his hand over his wife's mouth. Raj suddenly lifted his head from Bernadette's lap and took a long hard look down the aisle at Sheldon and Amy.

"Fine!" Sheldon retorted smartly, shrugging his shoulders. "Good. More room for me," he slid his arms over both armrests and held them tightly, "Excellent."

"Fine," Amy replied, picking out another piece of candy and chewing on it nonchalantly.

The pimply teenager turned around, put his finger to his lips, and gave them a long, exaggerated shush. The girl next to him gave another high-pitched round of obnoxious giggles while Sheldon fixed them in a glare that was ineffectual at causing instant death. He grit his teeth as the entire row fell into silence, every eye fixed on the movie screen as the green screen flickered into place again.

Three previews into the evening, and Sheldon still was not holding Amy's hand, something which he had focused considerable time and effort adjusting to for almost a full year. A sweat broke out on Sheldon's forehead even as a shudder seemed to run down his spine. A yawning chasm of chaos seemed to spread between his shoulder and the one of the unconcerned woman sitting next to him that grew more and more intolerable as the seconds ticked past. Sheldon tried to concentrate on the movie screen, but found he could not make heads or tails of what was happening on it. Impatiently, he flipped his hand over once more and hissed, "Hold my hand!"

Amy looked at his hand, and then said slowly, "Sheldon, as you have often pointed out, that would be in violation of the Relationship Agreement, subsection 5: Hand-Hol–"

"I propose an amendment to the Relationship Agreement," Sheldon said hurriedly, whispering in a tense voice, "item d: during scary movies."

"I don't think this movie will be that scary," Amy replied, "It's only rated PG."

"Item d," Sheldon repeated, trying again, "during ALL movies."

"I don't know, Sheldon," Amy said, looking down into her carton of candy, "I would have to see that in writing."

"How about an oral contract?" Sheldon said.

"Well, there are witnesses," Amy replied, slowly shifting her eyes to glance at the others sidelong. Every single one of them had their eyes transfixed on the screen, and she had a niggling suspicion that each one of them was also holding their breath.

"Precisely," Sheldon replied, also looking down the aisle over the faces of his friends. He eyed them carefully and then continued, "An Oral Contract is legally binding under California law if done correctly by mutual statement that the other party is in for the offer and both parties solidify the agreement by shaking hands on it."

"So you are in for…?" Amy prompted.

"I am in for an amendment to the relationship agreement specifying that the boyfriend shall hold the girlfriend's hand during all mutually viewed movies." Sheldon ducked his chin down, eyes transfixed forwards.

"Is that only in the theater or is it also at home?" Amy asked.

"Amy!" Sheldon turned to her, eyes a little wild around the edges. "How far are you going to drag this out?"

"We can end these negotiations any time you like," Amy said.

They slipped into silence again, and Penny bit her lower lip and Leonard's forehead furrowed deeply. Raj leaned a little to his left, turning his ear towards the other couple, while Bernadette and Howard stared blankly towards the emergency exit sign without really seeing what they were looking at.

Finally, after several long seconds, Sheldon turned to Amy and said flatly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist we continue."

Amy stared back at Sheldon and then shrugged her shoulders artfully and said, "If you _insist_, I am in for an amendment to the relationship agreement specifying that the boyfriend shall hold the girlfriend's hand during all movies of a G rating or higher enjoyed at any public theater, and-slash-or at the boyfriend or girlfriend's personal residence if the movie is rated R or higher."

After the briefest pause, Sheldon opened his hand once again, rasping out in the terms of the formal oral contract language, "This is to confirm that you are in for your final offer."

"Yes," Amy replied, placing the carton of candy on the ground. "I am in." She slid her small hand into Sheldon's, and he curled his fingers around hers, tension bleeding out of his shoulders as he did so. His thumb caressed her knuckles as his grip closed with firm possessiveness around hers. Both of them returned to watching the screen in front of them calmly. The previews were ending, and the theater fell into complete darkness.

The tiniest whisper reached Amy's ears. "Nicely played, Amy Farrah Fowler."

The Disney logo suddenly lit up the screen, circling stars over Cinderella's castle giving way to a hail of fireworks as the music trilled. As the theater shifted into its feature presentation, Penny, who had not missed a word of the exchange between two of the weirdest people she would ever call friends, looked over at the brunette sitting to her left and saw, in the dimness, a smile brighter than any Disney firework, brighter even then the sun coming up on a California summer morning.

"Amy," Penny whispered to herself, shaking her head in amazement, "You little vixen you."

* * *

Thanks to my friends on TBBT's fan forum for all of their inspirational goodness. In particular, this one is for my new friend, Koops, perhaps another version of me on another forum. Now that we've found each other, let us hope that the very fabric of space and time doesn't rend apart.

Love,

Lionne Lovegood


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